didymous: (something that would make me)
sandalphon ([personal profile] didymous) wrote in [community profile] fafnir2017-03-24 12:21 am

this is the end of us

[it was a mistake or, maybe it was more accurate to say now, that he was the mistake.

he hadn't followed Lucifer with the intent to eavesdrop on his conversation with their Astral overseer, exactly— the other archangels never came to the laboratory, and Sandalphon was always there, alone, except for when Lucifer had business to attend to. it was true that he was anxious to learn his true purpose, the reason for his existence, but he had really just been intending to find out how soon Lucifer would be coming back to the lab again.

but instead, he overhears everything. Lucifer asking the Astral who made them about Sandalphon's reason, something he would've never spoken about if Sandalphon hadn't confided in him just moments before. he thinks now how foolish that was, how maybe it would've been better to go on pretending that he had some sort of use, some place in the Astral's grand design, rather than learn the sobering truth. how much longer would he even have in his position in the lab? the Astral said he had no use, and why would they ever have need of him when Lucifer existed as he is now—

he doesn't know how far he's walked down the corridor, or how loud he was while fleeing. he doesn't care. part of him is growing angry— how could they scrap him, before he's even been given a chance to prove himself? he wraps his arms around his chest in an attempt to curb the emotions that are rapidly spiraling out of his control. what sort of angel wept in frustration at their own uselessness? it was shameful.]
primarchy: (02)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-25 01:15 am (UTC)(link)
[ It had been obvious enough to see that the lack of a purpose had been weighing heavily on Sandalphon's mind. Lucifer has purpose — is his purpose, devoted and without even the thought of questioning their master's plans. And yet his master gave him curiosity, and he has embraced that, just as his purpose requires him to embrace the world whose balance and evolution he oversees. Still, to question their master in such a way, to show even the slightest hint of uncertainty in his faith... And yet, for Sandalphon's sake, he'd found himself broaching the subject.

A spare. One that would see no use.

Even now after the Astral has returned to their research, when Lucifer himself should be doing the same, his master's words weigh heavy on his mind. It's true that he has developed some attachment to Sandalphon. It's true that even if Sandalphon's purpose is not one that will ever be realized, he finds himself glad that their master has said that Sandalphon may remain with him. But to have no purpose, a primarch without a reason for his existence... He finds it's a puzzling thought. Almost troubling, though he doesn't know why when there is no possibility of fault in his master's designs.

So lost in this puzzle is Lucifer that he almost doesn't hear the rapid footfalls of Sandalphon's flight. And yet they break through his distraction. Lucifer catches a glimpse of Sandalphon's back and realizes — he's overheard.

It must be the attachment their master spoke of that has him following Sandalphon's retreating figure. That has him leaning over Sandalphon's hunched form and resting a hand on Sandalphon's shoulder, voice soft as he seeks to free Sandalphon from the troubled thoughts that have hold of him.

Sandalphon. So you heard it all?
primarchy: (04)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-26 12:35 am (UTC)(link)
[ Never before has Sandalphon rejected his touch — flinched away from it, as though Lucifer's hand is loathsome against him. The sight has something twinging in Lucifer's chest, strange and unpleasant, and his hand stays outstretched for a moment, reaching, before he lets it drop to his side.

Sandalphon is... upset. He can understand, to some degree. To learn that a primarch has no use is unsettling, though Lucifer does not see it as some great upset. Even if Sandalphon's purpose will never come of use, he's still glad for Sandalphon's company. For Sandalphon's existence.

And yet Sandalphon has obviously taken the news to heart in the worst sort of way. The question puts a small, puzzled frown on Lucifer's face.

Reprimand you? For what?

[ For listening? Lucifer had asked with the intent to carry the news to Sandalphon himself, so he doesn't see a reason to say more on the subject even if eavesdropping may not be the most noble of occupations.

For reacting in such a way to what he's learned?

Even if Lucifer doesn't entirely understand the depth of Sandalphon's distress, he does not fault him for it.
primarchy: (08)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-26 05:08 am (UTC)(link)
I don't pity you.

[ An immediate response, and easy to give. Pity has never crossed Lucifer's mind. Sandalphon has no need of it; to say he was deserve of pity would mean that Sandalphon is somehow lesser, less worthy than any of the other primarchs, and that's simply not the case. His purpose may be one that will be unfulfilled, but that doesn't change that Sandalphon is his companion, someone whose company he has been glad of. Nothing of Sandalphon's purpose changes any of what's come before.

But it's obvious to see that this weighs heavily on Sandalphon, would have been even if he hadn't asked such a question.

Perhaps Sandalphon is right that their master wouldn't have said anything if he knew Sandalphon would overhear, but Lucifer doesn't see reason to hide the truth or to fear it. It is what it is, and Sandalphon is still the same as he was now as he was a half hour ago before either of them knew of his purpose.

I'm here because you're upset.

[ Upset, maybe even furious. And Lucifer may not understand why, but he doesn't wish to leave Sandalphon in such a state. That Sandalphon is injured by what he's learned is of far more importance than what it is he's learned in the first place. ]
primarchy: (04)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-27 02:40 am (UTC)(link)
He's not going to dispose of you.

[ Surprise turns Lucifer's expression blank, his tone sharp with his shock. Is this what Sandalphon thinks he's destined for? To be tossed away, disposed of, like some bit of detritus from a failed experiment rather than a living thing?

No. That can't be what their master intends. They may be primarchs, angels created to serve and to safeguard this world, but they are still living, breathing creatures. They think and they feel. Their master would not be so cruel to kill one of them just because he has no use.

And their master told Lucifer that he could keep Sandalphon.

Without thinking, forgetting the earlier flinch, Lucifer finds himself reaching for Sandalphon. He wants to touch, to reassure — the path Sandalphon's thoughts have taken is dark and far too lonely, and he won't leave Sandalphon to travel down it.
primarchy: (02)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-27 07:17 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's a relief to have his hands close on Sandalphon's arms — not to trap Sandalphon, but to anchor him, to give his fellow primarch a point of contact. Reassurance that things haven't changed between them, whatever Sandalphon may think. And it is a relief to feel Sandalphon solid and real beneath his fingers. More of a relief than Lucifer had thought it would be, enough that he takes a step closer, his wings spreading behind them, bracketing the two of them in entirely without any conscious intent to — as much an enclosure as a shield. ]

I'm certain. Our master has noted my... attachment. You will stay at my side, he will allow it. [ Lucifer hesitates, the first tiny break in his calm, a sliver of uncertainty. ] Unless you wish otherwise.

[ To abandon their purpose, to defy their master — that is unthinkable for Lucifer. And yet in Sandalphon's flight, it seems clear that whatever the other primarch had planned to do, leaving — fleeing — was some part of it. ]
primarchy: (05)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-28 02:46 am (UTC)(link)
You don't have to. [ Relief colors his tone, turns it warm. ] There's no need for you to leave.

[ A smile breaks across Lucifer's face, radiant with his own light as he looks down into Sandalphon's eyes. He's glad, so glad, more than he thought he could be, to hear that Sandalphon doesn't wish to leave. Some tiny ache in his chest that he hadn't even realized was there is soothed, the fracture of hurt banished. Sandalphon wants to stay, and that's what matters right now. Anything else that comes of their master's revelation can be dealt with so long as Sandalphon is still here with him to face it. ]

No one will... dispose of you. You're not something useless to be discarded.
primarchy: (12)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-28 06:25 am (UTC)(link)
You're not a burden. You've always been a great help.

[ He lets go with one hand, only to cup Sandalphon's cheek, gently turning Sandalphon's face back to his. There's no reason for Sandalphon to look away, to be uncertain about this. He's never thought of Sandalphon as a hindrance or as unwelcome.

No, Sandalphon has always been a comfort. A presence he's been glad to have at his side.

If anything, you are the reason that our master's expectations do not burden me.
primarchy: (02)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-30 04:42 am (UTC)(link)
What don't you understand?

[ A genuine question, confusion coloring Lucifer's voice. To him, this seems straightforward and obvious. Sandalphon has been his assistant for nearly as long as he can remember, ever since he created Sandalphon at their master's behest. And Sandalphon has been nothing but solicitous, clever and thoughtful and always with exactly what Lucifer needs at hand. How could he ever view Sandalphon as a burden? ]

Surely it can't be a surprise that I've always been grateful to have your aid. To have you by my side. [ He pauses, frowning the slightest bit as he notices the red creeping across Sandalphon's face. Concerned, he ducks his head down and touches his forehead to Sandalphon's. ] Sandalphon, are you well? You seem... flushed.
primarchy: (14)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-31 06:09 am (UTC)(link)
But you're red.

[ A curious, gentle question, and Lucifer does move away, puts a few inches between them. Only, of course, so he can trail his fingers over the red burning on Sandalphon's cheeks, bright and strange. He's never seen such an expression on Sandalphon's face before, an impression of heat even though Sandalphon's skin is only a tiny bit warmer than usual at best.

He adds, still studying the bloom of red across Sandalphon's cheeks, absent answer to Sandalphon's comment:

And you've always been helpful to me.
primarchy: (03)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-03-31 07:25 am (UTC)(link)
If you're certain...

[ Doubt still colors his tone, but Lucifer finally lifts his head and drops his hand away from Sandalphon's face. If Sandalphon's sure it's nothing to worry about, then he won't, for now. There are other, more pressing matters that he won't let himself be distracted from.

It's instinct that has him curling his wing a little closer around Sandalphon. The soft feathers brush along Sandalphon's shoulder, blanketing him, an ivory sheet over his back without Lucifer's conscious decision to do so — spurred on by Sandalphon's step back. Another attempt at retreat. To flee.

You're upset, though. The revelation of your purpose... do you truly believe that it means you have no place here?
primarchy: (14)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-04-01 08:19 am (UTC)(link)

[ He can't deny that their master had seemed entirely unconcerned with Sandalphon's existence. That to their master, Sandalphon is entirely extraneous. And he won't lie to Sandalphon. Surely a lie would make none of this any better.

With a huff of breath, what might almost be a sigh were he not a primarch, Lucifer dips his head and leans forward, just enough that he can look Sandalphon square in the eyes and hold his gaze.

You matter to me dearly. Even if you have no purpose in our master's plan, I would not wish to have you leave my side.
primarchy: (11)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-04-03 06:21 am (UTC)(link)
I'm glad.

[ His voice is as warm as his smile, soft with genuine feeling — as warm as his skin as he turns his hand to twine his fingers with Sandalphon's, an odd gesture but one that he's seen humans do. For some reason, it seems appropriate now. A gesture of closeness and companionship, gratitude and relief.

Ah. There is relief, and he's surprised to feel it. Had the thought of Sandalphon leaving really upset him so much?

It's something to wonder over another time.

Right now... Right now, Lucifer lets his smile turn a little impish. He reaches up with his free hand and gently pokes at one of Sandalphon's cheeks.

Ah, look, you're turning red again.
primarchy: (15)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-04-06 05:54 am (UTC)(link)
[ No, it definitely is cute. The sort of displeasure that he elicits quite often, entirely without meaning to. Discomfort at being praised that Lucifer had never quite understood, but that he can read in the familiar curve of Sandalphons' frown. He's glad to see it, to have some sign that he's said something to please Sandalphon. ]

It's interesting. [ He smooths his fingers over Sandalphon's cheek, following, letting the tips rest against the blush. ] I like it.
primarchy: (09)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-04-27 05:39 am (UTC)(link)
Is it?

[ It's hard to think that Sandalphon really finds it annoying when he's leaning in like that. Oh, flustered, definitely, which is a strange and fascinating new look on Sandalphon.

A look that Lucifer wants to see more of. Just like he wants to encourage the frankness Sandalphon is speaking with. There's no need for Sandalphon to hold back his words.

He leans in, examining the spreading red, his breath warm against Sandalphon's skin.

But it's... cute? Yes, that's the word for it. It's cute.
primarchy: (11)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-05-02 07:58 pm (UTC)(link)
No, that's incorrect. [ Lucifer's voice is light with dawning realization, a pleased edge, satisfaction at figuring something out. ] You are cute. And since you're a primarch...

[ He trails off, using his free hand to brush back Sandalphon's bangs for a better look. Yes, this is definitely "cute." He's starting to understand the word now, how the startled look on Sandalphon's face is so appealing, a curious sort of expression that has something warm growing in Lucifer's chest.

All sorts of new things he's discovering today, new feelings, new wants, and all tied to Sandalphon's presence. He's glad he caught Sandalphon, that Sandalphon is choosing to stay. This is something worthy of further exploration.
primarchy: (10)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-05-11 01:54 am (UTC)(link)
[ An embrace — a hug, Lucifer thinks the mortals call it — is certainly not something often practiced between primarchs — not something practiced at all. But he doesn't care. He's far more relieved to have Sandalphon clinging to him rather than walking away. He'd far rather forgo the dignity of a higher being than turn to find Sandalphon gone from his side.

He wraps his arms around Sandalphon, folds his wings closer, until there's no gaps between them, Sandalphon entirely hidden from view. This is a side he's never seen from Sandalphon before and he likes it, wants to see more of it — but there's some part of him that hoards it jealously, that doesn't want anyone else to even chance seeing it. This kind of uncertainty, the way Sandalphon hides his face, is entirely for him.

No? Then what are you?
primarchy: (06)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-05-28 12:38 am (UTC)(link)
[ An abrupt change of subject, and something of a puzzling one, when Lucifer's currently wrapped around Sandalphon in an embrace, giving no sign that he intends to let go any time soon. Sandalphon, for all his embarrassment, doesn't seem eager to be released, so Lucifer sees no reason to stop. He's finding he enjoys it, anyway, feeling the warmth of Sandalphon's body against his, knowing that Sandalphon is enclosed in the circle of his wings, not somewhere off on his own with dark thoughts preying upon him.

He lets out a soft, inquisitive note as he lifts one hand, only to stroke the soft mop of Sandalphon's hair, an attempt at reassurance for whatever that question stems from.

There's no need for me to go soon. We have plenty of work to do here in the lab. [ But maybe Sandalphon doesn't want him to leave? That's the only reason he can think of for why Sandalphon's asked such a question, and on impulse, Lucifer adds: ] But when I do go, would you like to accompany me?

[ There's no reason for Sandalphon not to, especially now that Lucifer knows Sandalphon's purpose. If Sandalphon was meant as a possible replacement for him, he should be just as capable of watching over their master's new creations as Lucifer himself is. ]
primarchy: (04)

[personal profile] primarchy 2017-07-14 03:17 am (UTC)(link)
Then we'll go see to our master's work together.

[ Gentle and pleased, and he gives Sandalphon's hair another slow stroke since it's seemed to have such promising results. Dealing with Sandalphon now isn't so unlike the experiments he's tasked with, studying cause and effect, observing what elicits the most favorable reactions, what sends the subject on the optimal path. Then again, Sandalphon is a primal beast the same as he is; maybe it's not any different at all.

But Sandalphon's touch to his wings is startling, something no one else has done. Lucifer finds himself flaring his wings slightly, spreading them — but not because the touch is unwelcome. It feels... pleasant. He doesn't move except to sigh in pleasure. The touch is enjoyable, and curious, Lucifer lets his hand drift from Sandalphon's hair down Sandalphon's back to the base of Sandalphon's on single pair of wings. He mimics Sandalphon's touch, carefully stroking his fingers through the small, downy feathers, head tilted so he can watch for Sandalphon's reaction.